Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak? The Internet believes we could be at risk. If this stuff gets real, you’ll want to make sure you have all the skills to save you from becoming a snack for the ravenous hordes: fortunately, if you’re already practicing pole fitness then you definitely have a head start.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at these life-saving tricks you’re already practicing.
1. You’ll be able to find shelter
When the zombies come, you’ll want to find somewhere safe to stay, and as a pole dancer you have all the skills you need to seek out some 5 star accommodation. With your elite climbing skills, you can get up high and out of harm’s way: you can also use your vantage point to look out for any more trouble and even to scout for resources.
2. You’ll be able to defend yourself
Pole fitness has given you the perfect grounding to become a lean, mean fighting machine. You’re stronger and fitter than ever before, so if those flesh-eaters do manage to get too close, you’ll certainly be able to put up a good fight. Fan-kick them to the ground (you can even do it in some fancy stilettos for added impact), force obstructions out of doorways with ease and make good your escape without a scratch.
3. You’ll know how to dress
In a zombie apocalypse, tight-fitting, scanty clothing may become the new-world uniform. Who knows how to pull this look off better than you? Pole dancers understand the importance of tight, cropped clothing – not only does it help your skin grip on any handy climbing apparatus, but in the presence of the ghouls, the last thing you want is big, baggy outfits flapping around for them to grab hold of. Less is more, ladies, and you’ll be at ease rocking the latest apocalyptic fashions.
4. You’ll have the skills to make, do and mend
Whether your current specialty is fixing gemstones to tops for added sparkle, pimping your shorts with side strings or sawing the top off your stage pole because the ceiling was a tiny bit lower than originally expected, you are certainly a skilled artisan. Post zombie apocalypse, there will be need for those who can fix, sew and deal with construction, and as a pole dancer, you are perfectly placed to help. (Who knows… maybe bling will prove to be an effective zombie deterrent. We can only hope.)
5. You’ll have the right qualities for continuing life on Earth
When the undead descend, there are certain attributes that are going to be essential for the living. You’ll have to be quick to learn (or you’ll be undead), persistent (if at first you can’t save the tins of tuna from the abandoned warehouse, they’ll keep for another few years so you definitely have time to try again), and be able to find the positives wherever they may be (you’re now living in a tree house, which is pretty cool). As a pole dancer, having already faced the pole and memorised complicated routines that change every week, spent hours repeating tricks until they’re perfect, and still loving every minute of the biggest challenge you’ve ever set yourself, you’ve definitely got what it takes to stick things out.
When it comes down to it, a zombie apocalypse will test us the human race to its limits. It’ll be survival of the fittest, and as a pole dancer you’re always going to have the upper hand. Strong and ready, you’ll be faster than all your companions… and even under pressure, you already know that sweaty hands won’t slow you down.
Happy Hallowe’en, polers. I hope you have a good one!